DomCon is one of the biggest and longest-running BDSM conferences in the country. Hosted by the legendary Mistress Cyan, this con focuses primarily but not exclusively on female domination and hits two cities every year: Los Angeles in May, and New Orleans in October. In 2021, my husband and I tagged along with friends to the L.A. event, when COVID was still a worrisome obsession, and masks were required. As I am a knowledge sponge for all things BDSM, I loved soaking in the classes and workshops. But because we had been part of a small kink community for less than two years, I felt pretty overwhelmed by the literal walls of sadomasochistic accoutrement in the vendor space, as well as the mass of kinky folk in their creative costumes. It was difficult to soak in THAT MUCH, and my introverted self often went scurrying up to our room so I could catch my breath.
Three years later I felt more confident about my place in the community and my level of experience, and, as we headed down to DomCon on the last day of May in 2024, I imagined myself chatting it up with kinksters of different stripes, making connections, handing over my BDSM Advocate business card, and setting up interviews with interesting people. After all, we were attending with a social butterfly friend, well-connected to DomCon and the LA community, who was willing to introduce me around, so why wouldn’t networking be a breeze? But again, the sheer spectacle of kinky people and things before me left me wide-eyed, and quiet. I only gave out one card. But perhaps that was for the best, because in the role of student and observer, I was able to take in new impressions, and a lot of stimulating new information.
My overall impression was delight at the seemingly limitless ways people choose to express their kinky side, which they displayed with their fashion choices. While there were certainly plenty of people dressed in the more “traditional” BDSM gear of black leather and boots (as befitting the large number of pro-dommes in attendance), there were just as many tricked out in colorful costumes and outfits of all sorts, from corsets with long flowing rainbow skirts to the thinnest of lingerie, from puppies and ponies and cows to sissies and maids and nearly nude slaves. Starting from the top of tattooed heads and creative hats all the way down to foot-thick platforms that made some people nearly 7 feet tall, the array of eye-popping ensembles was worth the price of admission itself. I did notice that the younger attendees were far more likely to be dressed up in a fun way than those of us in middle-age who stuck to our humdrum street clothes, and I wondered if performative costuming is part of the appeal of BDSM to younger generations. Whether that’s true or not, I was dazzled — and inspired! — by the way young people are inventing new ways to express their kink identities.
My overall impression was delight at the seemingly limitless ways people choose to express their kinky side, which they displayed with their fashion choices. While there were certainly plenty of people dressed in the more “traditional” BDSM gear of black leather and boots (as befitting the large number of pro-dommes in attendance), there were just as many tricked out in colorful costumes and outfits of all sorts, from corsets with long flowing rainbow skirts to the thinnest of lingerie, from puppies and ponies and cows to sissies and maids and nearly nude slaves.
Of course, DomCon wasn’t just about the chance to slip into some cool costumes, it was also a chance to be exposed to ideas and activities one may have never thought to consider before. Standouts for me included a class on religious play taught by Miss Sasha, a ravishing redhead, who had her audience rollicking with laughter as she described her first time “coming for Jesus.” She convinced me to look to my religious past as fodder for future scenes that might be charged in a way they’ve never been before. The warm and funny Auntie Vice explained the ways that my culturally-instilled body shame impacts my BDSM life, and helped me to see it as perhaps not such a great hurdle to get over after all. Sir Valentino gave me and my husband helpful guidelines to creating a conflict protocol that will help us stay within the bounds of our D/s dynamic (instead of getting ourselves tossed from it during conflict as usually happens.) The badass Mistress Melissa held her audience spellbound with the artistry of her needles in a play piercing class and left her giggling needle bottom (again Miss Sasha) bedecked with feathers and trying to lick up her own dripping blood. Mistress Bliss made a charming team with her submissive in helping her audience understand that power exchange is not simply a power transfer, but a dynamic that must be designed with both the Dom’s and sub’s desires and needs in mind. And, in one of my favorite classes, I learned about “erotic alchemy” from the intuitive Priestess Francesca. I am still thinking about her encouragement to play with the shadowy energy of past trauma, as well as her dictum that “If it’s hot, it’s healing.”
There were other sociable offerings at the conference, like D/s speed dating, “pet” parades, and a panel of Legends in which pro-dommes representing all ages told funny stories about their fascinating profession. My favorite thing was a glimpse into the Mistresses Tea in which waiters were all but nude as they served the collection of dommes wearing their sexiest tea finery. No wait, my favorite thing was browsing the vendor area, four aisles of every kind of BDSM fashion, toy and gadget, created by talented artists of all stripes. It served as the unofficial hub of the conference and the sound of conversation and laughter pulled me in over and over.
Of course there were hiccups, as there always are at a conference. A registration line that opened only a half hour before the beginning of the conference and then moved so slowly that many people missed the first session. (It’s like this every year, said the guy behind me, you gotta show up early if you care about the first class.) The more popular classes lacked enough chairs and were often standing room only. (Again, I learned to get to the session early-ish if I cared about sitting.) I saw bits of unexpected emotions, people (including myself) surprised by tears triggered by some class content. One woman so loudly vented her anger to an instructor over the loaded issue of race play that she had to be escorted out of the class. BDSM is, after all, a powerful force that can and does stir up powerful emotions.
At the end of each of the three days, there was a play party, where hundreds of kinksters gathered in several dim hotel ballrooms (instead of a local dungeon as in years before). I haven’t been to that many play parties in my life, certainly never been to one where piles of people tortured each other on whatever patch of carpet they could find, but the bacchanalian energy of the DomCon parties made me giddy. The play between me and my husband with a lollipop paddle bought in the vendor space downstairs from Fabricate Joy was delicious fun; but it didn’t keep us long from taking in the other absorbing scenes unfolding all around us. Watching a flogger-twirling Domme like Mistress Melissa wield her craft on her transported subs to the beat of the music in a beautifully choreographed dance had my body grooving and jumping as if it could feel each blow. A mostly naked Domme had her latex-encased sub hog-tied and writhing beneath her as she slid all over him delivering punishments. How do you look away from that? I found myself mesmerized by scene after scene and floated away from the Saturday party feeling as if I’d just fallen in love with BDSM all over again.
Indeed, my husband and I have been so enraptured with things learned at the conference that our dynamic feels renewed and refreshed in a way it hasn’t in some time. We are, in fact, all over each other, enjoying the polarity of power exchange and the rhythms of hot pain and sweet pleasure that have sustained our union for nearly a decade now. I’d bet big money that we’ll go back again next year to savor the company of the most uninhibited, sexy, open, accepting, friendly, raunchy-humored and flamboyantly-dressed tribe of people to be found on planet Earth. I might even pass out a few cards.
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