Good Dominant or Bad Dominant? Depends on the Sub’s Needs

In weighing the frequently-asked question whether a Dominant can be considered “good” or “bad,” a submissive can easily find articles all over the Internet will list the different characteristics and qualities of a good Dom, such as confidence, creativity, consistency, self-awareness, etc. Certainly, naturally dominant characteristics are advantages when assessing the quality of a Dominant. But I am going to take a different approach and say that that it is not a Dom’s character traits that are most important, but his or her motivation. What mindset is the Dominant coming from? Why does he or she want to control you? Or to be more precise, from what level is the Dom operating from, and does it correspond with the sub’s level?

“I am going to take a different approach and say that that it is not necessarily a Dom’s character traits that are most important, but his or her motivation.”

The Tantric philosopher David Deida describes three recognizable stages of development in relationship dynamics, which he calls “the three stages of masculinity.” Because Deida uses the word masculine as a descriptor for a type of energy rather than a gender, his delineation of how dominant masculine energy expresses itself serves as a perfect descriptor for the three stages of domination that tend to show up again and again in the BDSM world. Deida notes that one person’s energy resonates with similar energy, so if an individual operates from the mindset of a certain stage, that person is likely to attract a partner at the same stage. Although, “stage” isn’t the best word to use in a D/s context, as stages imply that one stage might be better or more advanced than the other. It would probably be more accurate to call them “levels” of domination, and most people naturally feel more at home at the level that fits their way of thinking. Thus, a good Dom for an individual sub is a Dom that operates from the same level of mindset.

Of course, no model is going to fully capture something as complex as D/s relationship dynamics; each D/s couple is one-of-a-kind and will express their own unique flavor of power exchange — at least if they are doing it right. But when one is starting into new territory, it is helpful to have a map of what’s out there, however fuzzy the lines the on the map may turn out to be. And I’d wager most people who have explored power exchange would say they recognize the following types of Dominants in some form or another.  

The Level One Dominant

First level Dominants want and need to be all-powerful. They subscribe to a philosophy of “my way or the highway,” and — in my observation, anyway — come in two distinct types. The first we might call “The Caveman Dom.” This guy (because it’s so often a guy), practices old-school man-in-charge dominance. This type of Dom craves control out of insecurity, and may exert power by using fear, aggressive displays of power, belittling or bullying. Then again, this Dom can conjure a more gentle persona (especially if it’s a woman) and cover her insecurity in more subtle ways, through judgement and withholding. This is a Dom who is likely to leap to negative conclusions about you, while refusing to reveal much about herself, or her inner thoughts and feelings. (It makes her feel too vulnerable to be truly known). Such a Dominant doesn’t consider D/s to be a collaboration with a sub, but dominion over a sub. This Dom is not at all “trainable” by a submissive in what works for her, and would most likely scoff at the idea.

The Caveman Dom is not necessarily “bad,” especially not if his counterpart is a Level One submissive who “speaks his language” of traditional roles and tight control or has been swayed by the biblical trope that men are superior and women inferior. Certainly, any hint of equality is anathema to a Level One sub, meaning plenty of slaves may do well, at least for a time, under this type of domination, and may even find gratification in this highly co-dependent dynamic. But subs beware, as this is the type of domination that abusers are made of, both kinky and vanilla. The Caveman Dom rarely takes the submissive’s needs or feelings into account because the sub is basically an object to prop up the Dom. If the sub fails to properly ease the Dom’s insecurity, then the Dom may abruptly end the relationship with either a tirade against the sub’s shortcomings (judgement) or no explanation at all (withholding). Of course, a big part of the submissive fantasy is denial of self in deference to a Dom’s desires, which is another reason why this kind of Dom may not be experienced negatively by a sub, even if his or her domination borders on what others would call abuse.

The other type of Level One Dom is not at all insecure, and far more nuanced in their all-powerful stance. I call this type the Preeminent Dom because this Dom, whether male or female, has put careful thought into power dynamics and has developed a philosophy in which total domination, regardless of the sub’s personal desires, is the only kind of domination that counts. This Dom tends to attract Level One submissives, sometimes even whole stables of them, who either resonate with that philosophy or are perhaps too inexperienced to know differently. These subs are willing to surrender their entire will to their all-powerful Doms, no matter the repercussions to themselves, or perhaps even because of those self-negating repercussions, which they perceive as liberating. The idea of “training” this type of Dominant in is again a nonsensical concept at this level, and the negotiation process is likely to be short and simple.

Without a doubt, some submissives thrive within that kind of no-holds-barred power exchange, and many a slave collared to a Preeminent Master feels well-satisfied by their unconditional surrender. Yet, as I have personally experienced, surrender to a Level One Dom who refuses to take the sub’s needs and desires into account — whether because of insecurity or because of their principles — can lead to a withering of self for the submissive and an unhappy end to the relationship.  (See How to Doom a D/s Relationship)

The Level Two Dominant

A Level Two Dominant is an Egalitarian Dom, and he or she will be much more sensitive to the needs of the submissive. This kind of Dominant views relationships through a lens of 50/50 equality, and is not only trainable, but will welcome the collaborative input of a sub. This is the type of Dom that BDSM communities endeavor to cultivate because this is a Dom who will carefully attend to the rules of consent, confirm safewords, and thoroughly negotiate boundaries. Roleplay BDSM and kinky sensation-seeking are popular at this stage. Switching between top and bottom is also prevalent, while the genuine power exchange of D/s is perhaps less so, unless it’s in the bedroom only. Empathetic and responsive, this kind of Dom is prized by subs who also see the world through an egalitarian lens and understand themselves to be conditionally surrendering their power to a Top. A sub/bottom at this level will have firm boundaries and take it for granted that plenty of off-ramps from BDSM interactions are appropriate and necessary.

Level Two partners on the same mutually-respecting wavelength are likely to enjoy feelings of safety with each other that allow for a fun and rewarding D/s adventure full of exploration, while still allowing them to tap into the energy of sexual polarity (at least during scenes). This makes Level Two D/s the most comfortable, and most sustainable, for the majority of kinksters. However, a Level One submissive might consider an Egalitarian Dom as “too nice” or even weak; and frankly, so might a Level Three sub who craves deeper power exchange.

The Level Three Dominant

At the third level, we encounter the Ravishing Dom, who despite caring for his or her sub quite fiercely, is not so much under the sway of the rules established by the BDSM community. Deida would say this type of Dom answers to a higher power, the power of love, and takes seriously a responsibility to fulfill the sub’s desire to be controlled and taken. A corresponding Level Three sub craves to let go into true surrender more than he/she worries about policing his or her boundaries. While the communication of the needs and desires of both partners is highly valued and often intense, a Level Three D/s relationship is rooted more in a deep trust in each other than negotiations, contracts or safewords. Roleplay fades and the D/s is likely to move outside the bedroom, as neither partner can bear the thought of artifice in their power exchange. Consensual non-consent may come up here, or the couple may find themselves gravitating toward a carefully calibrated Master/slave relationship. Deida describes the ecstatic rewards, both sexual and emotional, of such a deeply-bonded relationship in his book Intimate Communion, which had a huge impact on me and how I understand D/s. I, myself, have glimpsed the profound safety to be found in surrender to a Ravishing Dom who genuinely loves me, and that safety felt orders of magnitude greater than the kind of provisional safety one tries to construct with a list of limits and boundaries.

Still, a solidly egalitarian Level Two sub would likely find the actions of a Ravishing Dom alarming, unsafe, and may even confuse that Dom for a self-centered Level One brute. However, this type of Dom ravishes not out of insecure neediness, but from a confident love and a deep understanding of his sub’s needs. This Dom is “trainable” in the sense that he/she will insist on having access to the sub’s every thought and feeling so that he/she has every tool at his or her disposal for the total control of the sub. But it will work both ways; the Ravishing Dom is secure enough to make himself or herself completely known to the sub as well, allowing the sub to better serve the Dom. Because each partner at this level offers themselves to the power exchange dynamic so openly and so fully, the sexual polarity between Third-Level Dom and sub is extreme, and the passion between this couple, as Deida promises, becomes transcendent.

Indeed, a Level Three D/s couple lives the ultimate in BDSM romance and true power exchange, and, in some ways, is out of reach for many because it takes so much commitment and compatibility to achieve. I confess that my husband and I, despite our most earnest efforts, have only experienced D/s on that level for brief periods (hence, my glimpses) because, ya know, life. But even if it was more easily achievable, it would not be for everyone. While there are deeper rewards in playing outside the box described in most BDSM 101 classes, there are also greater psychological risks, such as developing an unhealthy obsession or “getting lost” in the relationship. Another risk is that a sub can believe she has surrendered to a Level Three Dom motivated by love and care, only to learn the hard way that she has turned herself over to an insecure Level One Dom interested in using their power to prop up their own shaky ego. (Again, see How to Doom a D/s Relationship)

This three-level model has helped me better understand the D/s relationship dynamics in my own life, as well as many others I have observed in the BDSM community. But although we may resonate best with a Dom in our own stage, that doesn’t mean relationship between a couple who see things from different mindsets can’t be successful. As Deida points out, his stages are not encased in rigid lines. We all evolve at different rates, and we may sometimes find ourselves operating from different levels depending on circumstances. Certainly, submissives tend to conform to the level of their Dominant, but the energy of each partner exerts a pull on the other. Just as the directional energy of the Dom can pull a sub into his or her most natural level, the yielding energy of a sub can inspire the Dominant into operating from a different level as well. D/s, as always, remains an intricate dance between the desires and passions of both partners.