When a couple first embarks on a BDSM adventure, they might buy a pair of furry handcuffs or a flogger, then jump in, whacking at each other and generally having a great time experimenting with different kinky activities. What a great start! But eventually, if a couple is gratified by wading into power exchange waters, they might wonder, where do we go from here? What kind of power exchange dynamic do we really want?
When a couple first embarks on a BDSM adventure, they might buy a pair of furry handcuffs or a flogger, then jump in, whacking at each other and generally having a great time experimenting with different kinky activities. What a great start! But eventually, if a couple is gratified by wading into power exchange waters, they might wonder, where do we go from here? What kind of power exchange dynamic do we really want?
This is where we can run into a chicken or egg situation: You need at least some experience in kinky play to know what turns you on, and what kind of D/s relationship might work for you; however, you can’t get that experience without a thoughtfully-designed dynamic that will inform the types of activities, rules and protocols that allows your power exchange to move from the realm of fantasy into reality. So, while you can easily explore BDSM delights without a formal dynamic, you might not discover the type of play that truly fulfills you both until you construct what sex experts call a “safe container,” a protected space that allows each partner to delve into their deepest erotic longings. Thus, the work of determining what kind of dynamic is best suited for you is possibly the most important work you will do in creating a power exchange romance with the potential to give you profoundly intimate experiences.
Of course, there are plenty of ready-made dynamics to choose from. Cultural ideas and images of BDSM reach us through various media day after day, week after week, and it can be illuminating to take inventory of all the ideas we take for granted about how Doms and subs look and behave. We’ve all seen photos of submissives kneeling, naked and ready to please, or female Dommes wearing black leather boots and a cruel sneer. We’ve also seen depictions of Dominant men such as Leather Daddies who give stern commands and vicious spankings, or submissive men who enjoy being humiliated or sissified. When first approaching power exchange, it’s definitely worth trying some of the more well-trod power dynamics that provide a roadmap to follow, along with convenient lists of prescribed protocols. For example, the Master/slave dynamic is so well delineated in different books that one never needs to guess how to go about creating such a relationship. It’s all been figured out.
Of course, not everyone can be, or wants to be, a Master or a slave, or a sissy, or a flogger-wielding dominatrix in thigh-high boots. And luckily, as more people discover kink, the more ways they discover how to be kinky and play with power dynamics. Today, FetLife offers a list of nearly 200 “roles” that community members can identify themselves by. Some are purposely broad, such as “King” and “Queen,” or “Priest” and “Priestess,” or “Owner” and “Property.” Others are more finely-tuned to specific kinks, such as “Rope Pup” or “Bondage Switch” or “Fairy Kink Mother” or “Primal Prey.” And those are just the presets! Plenty of people make up their own way of representing their dynamic; I recently heard of a D/s couple who described themselves as “Book and Author.”
So how does a couple design a dynamic that puts them in roles that feel genuine to them, and makes their D/s come alive? We begin by determining exactly how we want to feel.
Feeling Your Way There
I’ve read that it was the BDSM sexologist Midori who first encouraged kinksters to ask themselves how they want to feel during the scene. But whoever started that particular ball rolling, it is now accepted BDSM wisdom that we should be thinking about how we hope to “feel” during both our kink encounters as well as our overall D/s dynamics. Does the D/type want to feel all-powerful (like a Master or Queen), or adored (like a Daddy), or worshipped (like a deity)? Does the s/type want to feel nurtured (like a babygirl), or hunted and ravished (like prey) or fully controlled (like a slave)? The answer to how you want to feel points a direction to a role.
Feelings about the giving-and-receiving of pain also help shape a dynamic. Some are sensualists who don’t go for common BDSM activities like impact play, but they might enjoy being stroked with feathers or stimulated with ice. Others are sadomasochists who will not be satisfied without a heavy dose of pain in their play. Some submissives might not be into a lot of sexual attention, but feel gratified from being petted and disciplined like an animal. Meanwhile, some Dominants might not be into inflicting pain at all, but still might really enjoy the attentions of a service-oriented submissive. (I know a Dom who’s only real requirements of his sub are that she address him as “My Lord,” and bring him coffee naked and wash his hair in the shower.)
Favorite kinks or fetishes are another variable that play into developing a dynamic that satisfies both sides of the D/s slash. For example, those who want the feeling that flows from creative artistry might be drawn to rope bondage and little else. Those who want the feelings of invasion that come with being pierced or penetrated might choose needles and piercing as their primary form of play. There are D/s relationships designed around the rituals of foot worship, or the primal comforts of an adult nursing relationship.
The level of power or surrender you feel comfortable with is also a defining feature of different roles. Some Dominants might want power in the bedroom only, others will not be satisfied unless they have the complete authority of Total Power Exchange (TPE). Meanwhile, some sadistic Tops don’t want power over another person at all, they just enjoy the opportunity to throw a whip at a masochistic bottom.
Of course, this plethora of feelings to chase, and choices to make, can be overwhelming to someone new to D/s. If you find it difficult to determine exactly what you want and how you want to feel, then it’s time to turn to what sex educators call your “core fantasies.”
The Core Fantasy
Most of us have some basic type of fantasy that gets our sexual motors running, and it’s often the fantasy we find running through our minds while masturbating. It was my own longtime fantasy of being put over a father figure’s knee to be spanked that started my husband and I on our BDSM journey and led to the thrilling roles of Dominant Daddy and submissive babygirl that kept us hot and happy for years. I have one friend who tells me religious settings and the idea of being beaten for her sins is what sets her body on fire. Another male friend has feverish cuckhold fantasies of watching his wife having sex with others and being forced to “clean her up” with his mouth afterward.
Now, it must be said that despite the benefits of sharing your core fantasies with your partner, it’s not necessarily easy. A recent study, commissioned by the dating app Flure, found that 61% of those surveyed have kinks that they haven’t revealed to their partner, while 41% admitted that they’re more comfortable discussing their sexual interests with their best friends than with their better half.
It is indeed a vulnerable thing to reveal your deepest desires to your significant other without fears of being judged creeping in. We live in a culture that often pathologizes sexual interests, which can make us feel there might be something “wrong” with us if our fantasies stray from traditional norms. But in the BDSM world, we learn to not let shame set boundaries around the erotic. Part of the beauty of a D/s relationship is that it gives you that safe container in which to share the supposedly “unacceptable” parts of yourself. When you banish shame from your desires, and you feel safe sharing your most taboo fantasies openly with your partner, you can create an extraordinary feeling of intimacy.
Of course, we do not expect to live out our core fantasies literally — although sometimes you can! What is important are the symbolic kernels within core fantasies that point to how we want to feel and what kind of dynamic might get us there. The word “symbolic” is key here. Finding what makes you tick sexually is not an exercise in straightforward logic, it is an exercise in mining the images that erotically pull at you for ideas that can be translated into real-life BDSM play. If an imagined scenario gets you hot, then there is something in it that can help inform how to design your dynamic.
Sometimes our own imagination is a little hazy, or our fantasies too tame or generic. This where porn comes in handy, especially BDSM porn. I discovered that medical play was a big turn-on for me not because I’d previously had fantasies about it, but because I stumbled into a video on PornHub with a woman in stirrups having a doctor “examine” her. Before the video was even over, I found myself with vibrator in hand, bringing myself to a powerful orgasm. This led to me buying lots of Victorian medical fetish erotica, which led to my husband buying a gynecological exam chair that we installed in our spare room and set up as a medical office, which led to many exciting evenings playing out my Daddy-as-Doctor fantasies. Thanks to the ideas we gleaned from porn, we were able to explore all kinds of stimulating fetish-y activities around that theme.
So, if your fantasies aren’t coming in with clear clues for you to follow, try perusing erotica subjects on Amazon, or the video shelves at an adult store for premises that intrigue you. In my D/s relationship with my husband, there is no more laughing hot fun for us than sitting down together to watch extreme porn over drinks.
Putting It All Together
With your insights in how you want to feel, along with information gleaned from your core fantasies and/or excursions into porn watching, you’ll be ready to sit down with your partner and talk through what excites you, and how you want to try to live it out. My husband and I love having such conversations on longer car rides. We reveal our desires to each other, then start asking, What if we try this? Or, how would you feel about trying that?
When we first began designing our dynamic, those conversations led us to a allowed us to come up with a backstory for the roles we wanted to play. I probably said something like, how about we pretend I am your headstrong daughter, being sent to stay with you by my mother to be “disciplined” for being too curious about sex? I think he answered by first saying something along the lines of that was a little too incest-y. Then he said, “Why don’t we pretend you’re my stepdaughter instead?” As he said it, he grabbed his crotch, letting me know that idea worked well for him. When my pussy throbbed in response, I knew it was the right idea for me as well. And so, we developed a Daddy/babygirl backstory with all kind of delicious details that fueled months of discovery and scorching hot scenes.
Ten years later, that backstory is still the bedrock of our dynamic, no matter how many different permutations it takes, or details we re-arrange. Indeed, embellishing it with new twists and turns is one of our favorite things to do. Even when we change things up quite a bit — like when we switched power roles and I felt drawn to a backstory in which my role was as high priestess in a fertility cult — we still held to our daddy/daughter configuration. We merely added a new element, declaring that my daddy had trained me for my life as a priestess, then turned me over to the cult when I came of age and devoted himself to “serving” me sexually as an acolyte in the cult. Oh, the fun we had with that!
Yes, it does feel a little silly at first, coming up with outlandish ideas for our ever-evolving backstory. But it also feels wonderful to be able to dream up whimsical kinky scenarios with a partner willing to leave conformity behind so that we can experiment together with different ways of expressing our desires. Creative backstories are like scaffolding that support a dynamic big and strong enough to shelter a D/s couple through countless storms of extreme passion.
Be Open To Surprises
When experimenting with different aspects of your dynamic, be prepared to be surprised. While fantasy is a good guide to what makes you tick, what feels good in fantasy might not feel all that great in reality. Likewise, something that might sound unacceptable in theory will sometimes evolve into one’s greatest turn-on.
Sexual desire is a complex force that doesn’t unfold in logical linear fashion, so it’s good idea to look for balance between honoring your instincts yet remaining flexible and open to new ideas. Trying something before deciding its not for you is always a good policy. Your body will give you clear signals of what works for you one way or the other. A hard cock or throbby pussy is a definite yes, while a recoil is a definite no.
And remember, there is no need to rush in the erotic realm. Cultivate patience in your journey of design and discovery. Honor your own pace. And know that things will change over time. A healthy dynamic is not likely to remain static but will evolve with you. And thank the gods of kink for that!
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