To Be or Not to Be Naked: A D/s Dialogue

A Dom and sub walk into a bar … and have a conversation. Well, okay, we weren’t in a bar, Robert (the Dom) and I (the sub) were in separate cities emailing each other. It is always interesting to look at a power exchange issue from both sides of the D/s slash. Such as a Dom requiring a submissive to be nude …

the sub:

Read any D/s “training” manual or suggested list of rules for submissives, and you will find it taken for granted that a submissive — if it’s a relationship that includes sex — should be naked whenever possible in the presence of his/her Dominant. For one, it drives home the point the sub exists — at least in the context of the scene or dynamic —for the pleasure of the Dom. A naked sub is available, vulnerable and displaying his/her surrender. Indeed, the naked “rule” seems such a no-brainer that many a Dom considers it a non-negotiable necessity.

But is it always a good idea for a Dominant to demand the sub be nude? I have an opinion, but I want to start with yours.

the Dom:

The way I make rules is: The submissive should do as I say only as long as the sub does not feel harmed physically or mentally by whatever is going on or is being asked of her. For example, if I say, “I want you to worship my feet and suck my toes,” you will do it because while you may not like it so much (or at all), it does not harm you. In fact, it should be the sort of thing that falls under “I hate when you make me do that, but I love hating it and submitting.”

For me, telling my sub to wait for me naked falls in that realm.

the sub:

That phrase you used — “as long as the sub does not feel harmed” — is really the crux of it, isn’t it? It seems to me what the Dom assumes couldn’t possibly be harmful and how the sub perceives it can be two different things. I can see how a Dom might think being naked wouldn’t be truly be harmful to a sub, even if she was a modest sort. And I can see that it’s probably helpful in a discipline sense to keep him or her naked, vulnerable, a little uncomfortable.

But what if the sub has trauma connected to being forced to be naked? When I was child, my mother would drag us to these big California hippie parties where everyone was naked. When I’d say I didn’t want to be naked, she’d tell me, “Never be ashamed of your body” as she pulled the clothes off eight-year-old me. I despised forced nakedness then, and I despise it now. I still feel a knee-jerk panic being fully naked around people, even my significant other, unless I’ve had alcohol to help me turn off my anxiety.

Once, my Daddy Dom invented a punishment for me in which I had to organize a shelf while naked. I felt acutely uncomfortable and ended up in a crying jag that was hard to stop. He never tried to make me do that again, which gave me a feeling of emotional safety going forward. But the Dom couple that I next submitted to always insisted I get naked whether I liked it or not. I told them about my past, and how much the naked rule messed with me, and they basically said, “Aw, too bad for you. Time to get over it.” Since the rule was non-negotiable for them, I got in the habit of showing up half drunk.

Did they harm me by demanding I be naked? Not really. But there is no way I felt that “I love hating it and submitting.” I obeyed because I very much wanted to please my Doms, but also because I believe in kink’s transformative powers, and I thought surrendering to their rule might help me “heal” from my past trauma. But it didn’t work that way. Instead, a feeling of resentment grew and began chipping away at my surrender. When the relationship ended, that you-will-be-naked rule was one of the things that made me seriously question if submission is right for me. I’m still not sure of the answer!  What I definitely did learn, though, was that I need to heed the signals from my body and set boundaries to protect myself. And so my feeling today is this: I will not be a sub at all if I have to be naked so much of the time.

the Dom:

WOW! As you said, getting the sub to be naked is so very fundamental to D/s and BDSM play. I love that part. There are subs for whom ‘Dressed Dom/Naked Sub’ is a kink. There are groups on Fet for those who like that dynamic. I had a local sub for a while who loved that. I would send her to the hotel room and have her undress and wait for me on the floor by the door ‘head down, ass up’ and when I would walk in the door with a suit on, she would immediately shiver in anticipation and want to sit in my lap.

Sounds like your Doms acted badly, minimizing your trauma that way. Replying to a sub with “Suck it up!” is the worst possible approach. My usual way to meet hesitance is to say, “I hear you, but I want you to know that I really like when a girl does that, and I would like for you to do that for me when you are ready.” And then I leave it there. That approach has, frankly, never failed to get me what I want eventually. For me, if something I am doing or proposing to do, or have you do, is harmful in my submissive’s mind, I want to know about that right away, and then we can discuss it like adults.

Childhood trauma is not easy to shed, it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Thanks for the abuse, mom!  I am thinking that being naked on Zoom with me daily for increasing amounts of time would definitely might work to mitigate your fear and immunize you. Yes, I’m volunteering to take one for the team, for I am now and have always been a selfless giver.

In a more practical vein, what might possibly mitigate the dread of nakedness you feel is therapy and/or therapy with hypnosis, which has worked (often well) for some with not dissimilar issues. If you want to deal with it at all, that is. Maybe it’s so traumatic you just want to avoid it. Getting half drunk just so you can get naked is not healthy, though. (Is getting half drunk similar to having a half orgasm?)

the sub:

You are funny. And maybe it is technically “unhealthy” to drink to get naked, but I’m guessing a lot of women rely on the same trick. I’ve learned that precisely two drinks softens my inhibition when I want to experience the joys of things that come with being naked. And by using that tool among others — like very low lighting or retaining a few items of clothing however skimpy — I have been able to revel in an incredibly rich intimate life. Outside of D/s, my avoidance of being seen in my birthday suit never felt a problem so big that it required therapy. At the age I am now, it’d be silly to spend whatever therapy dollars it would take to “cure” my inhibition. And, frankly, I don’t want to keep looking at myself as broken just because I don’t conform to what other people think a submissive should be.

Still, as someone who wants to figure out a way to feel safe and happy in the many different configurations of power exchange, I feel caught on the horns of the nakedness dilemma. Say I did want to submit to a Dom again, would I be a disappointment to that Dom if I wanted to negotiate a limit to my nakedness? What’s your perspective? Would a submissive be a disappointment to you if they told you they couldn’t find it in themselves to be fully naked in a scene with you? Would you be able to feel like you had real control of your sub if she presented you with a hard limit to taking all her clothes off?

the Dom:

I’ve been thinking over my response for hours now, and the things I’ve thought to write are all unsatisfactory because I consider the sub getting and staying naked as I direct to be such a fundamental bedrock concept of D/s, I don’t think I could deal with it over an extended period of time in a relationship, childhood trauma or not. I could probably accept a pair of thigh high stockings as the only clothing the sub wears for a while, but once it’s more than that or longer, things would not last long. I like my girls naked. 

It also occurred to me that intended or not, your statement that began with, “I will not be a sub at all if …”  had some characteristic of the sub grabbing for power, topping from the bottom to get her way or else. I have always found that undercurrent an unacceptable negotiating stance.

In the end, being the arrogant self-assured Dom that I am, I am confident I could persuasively yet softly move you to my way of thinking over time as I have with others in the past. As I’ve said before, hard limits become soft limits over time, and soft limits eventually blow away on the wind. Alternatively, you could stab me with a letter opener when I drifted off after a hard evening of play.

the sub:

I agree with you that limits often dissolve over the course of a D/s relationship; that has happened for me numerous times. But the naked panic has remained stubborn, unyielding to my Daddy Dom’s most loving efforts to make me feel safe over the course of years, not to mention my own desire to be free of it.

I also see why you say that a submissive getting stubborn about her own wishes can appear to be topping from the bottom, or an attempt to hold onto power. But then, you could say that about any boundary or limit a sub might have. I don’t think you’d say a sub was topping from the bottom if she had a hard limit against scat play or something else you have no interest in pursuing. I wonder at the criteria you use to decide whether a sub is grabbing for power or simply sharing how her mind and body work.

There is a lot to be said for gently pushing a sub to give more, to move beyond their comfort levels, to allow them to grow. I have found myself grateful after being pushed to grow in other areas, such as how much pain I can take. But there seems to be a line over which a Dom can push someone too far past their comfort levels to the point it backfires, and they lose control. I think a Dominant needs the discernment to know if, and when, it will be effective to push, and when it won’t. A Dom with that kind of discernment becomes a magically powerful being in the sub’s eyes, seeming to know her even better than she knows herself.

Of course, you are right that my self-declared boundary around nudity goes against what most Dominants would consider fundamental to serving as a sexual submissive. I’d guess pretty much all Doms like their girls naked. Which is why I keep wondering if submission is right for me. But perhaps it might be more a matter of what makes a Dom and sub a “good fit” for each other. Two people can have all the chemistry in the world, but if their kinky interests and comfort levels don’t align, they will not be a good fit for power exchange. One example might be someone who primarily gets off on a medical fetish paired with someone who has a medical phobia. Those two people should probably not play together, and if they try to make a longer-term go of it, they will both end up exhausted and unfulfilled (which is what happened on both sides with my you-will-be-naked Doms.)

I think I was lucky all those years with my husband as my Dom in that he did not consider seeing me fully naked at his command to be so fundamental to his domination of me. Maybe that means I had more power than I should have. Or maybe it just means that he and I were a remarkably good fit.

the Dom:

I would never refer to refusal to engage in outlier behavior like scat play as topping from the bottom. Very rarely is topping from the bottom about some specific act, it’s more about attitude and temperament and respect, and dependent on whether the behavior is unfolding in public or private. The introduction of childhood trauma makes potential topping from the bottom a far more complex issue, and the definition becomes more fluid. It had to be brought up, though.

What makes a Dom and sub a good fit for each other is how they construct their dynamic. The negotiating of soft and hard limits prior to engaging is important. Of course, no one can think of all the endless possibilities that may occur, so some flexibility in re-engaging in negotiations after a few play sessions can be healthy. Although, I will add that a sub asking to re-negotiate basic things like nudity many months into a relationship would likely cause me to think, “What’s next? What else have we all been OK doing that she’ll want to change in a month or two?”

Then again, it could be me throwing a wrench into things if I suddenly develop a lust for an albino one armed little person with a Russian last name to read Dostoyevsky while I’m getting head from her sister, all while you play the mandolin and hum a Beach Boys medley. Don’t judge.

You and your husband/Dom were clearly a good fit, and I believe part of that came from the fact you both set off on the BDSM and D/s journey together as relative newbies and discovered yourselves along the way. But I really have to stress this next point: Only the people in a relationship, any relationship, know what goes on in that relationship in private. Meaning, my thoughts here have no concrete value as bedrock advice. I am not Moses descending from the Mount with the tablets of BDSM Wisdom even if my Hebrew name is “Moses” (which it is).

I am a proponent of the idea that the sub must ask for what she needs if she’s not getting it, sexual or otherwise. Even the best Doms are not mind readers. Asking for what you need/want does not necessarily mean the sub will get it, but it does give a smart Dom something to think about.

The three things that can always be said to me are “Hurt me, please, Sir.” “More, please, Sir.” and “Harder, please, Sir.” Also, “Hungry?” And now, of course, there is, “Please, Sir, may I get naked?”

Robert is a retired sensual sadist living in Southern California, has been involved in D/s and BDSM activities for two decades. He is always pleased to hear from, meet, and engage with true masochistic submissives with daddy issues and an oral fixation. He likes puppies and rainbows and chocolate covered marzipan and single malt scotch and strong canes that don’t break on stubborn subs’ ample asses and thighs.

Terra Bloom spent nine years as a submissive, and enthusiastically loved it for all of that time, but since discovering the joys of Topping, she now identifies as a switch.