How did you first get into BDSM?
I was hanging out with a friend of the family, and after having a bit to drink, I went with my gut instinct, and put on music from the The Full Monty and stripped for her. She said, “If this were any other day, I’d slap you so hard, but that was exactly what I needed right now!” She then suggested I take the online BDSM Test, which I did, and it referred me to FetLife, where I created an account. I looked up local groups, then contacted the leadership of the TNG (the Next Generation) group in my area. A few of them met with me at a coffee shop, and that’s how I got into the BDSM community.
For me, those first steps weren’t driven by any longtime fantasies about BDSM; until then I’d been mostly a good Christian boy and hadn’t experimented too much. It was more that I liked the idea of setting aside societal expectations about how I go about relationships. There is such a feeling of chaos in the vanilla dating world, all these gray areas, and unknowns, and rules that seem arbitrary. I liked the idea of being able to throw out the rule book. But I especially liked the emphasis on open communication and negotiation. I appreciated the directness and straightforwardness of being able to say exactly what I want, and to hear exactly what the other person wants. No guesswork required, everything spelled out. And there’s no judgment about what you want and don’t want, it’s okay to say yes, to say no, you get to do you. Before, I felt I was swimming through a 95 percent gray area when approaching intimacy, but with BDSM it felt reduced to about 5 percent gray. This was quite refreshing!
So yeah, I took to BDSM right away because of the combination of freedom plus a communication structure that is helpful to me. Now, I literally can experiment, try anything out, with no shame attached. It’s a metaphorical buffet, and I feel like I am on a big adventure of discovery.
Do you identify with a particular power exchange role? As Dom, sub, Top, bottom, switch?
In the beginning, I’d say I was mostly operating as Sensation Top. I wanted my scenes to feel therapeutic and relaxing for my partner. And I think I felt that was what I supposed to do because of the masculine stereotypes. But I could see the bliss that so many people on the bottom would feel, and I wanted to try that. I have a desire for all different kinds of experiences, I want to learn, I want to explore. So I’ve experimented and evolved. Now I’d say I’m more of a sadomasochistic switch. I still lean toward topping, I do love to torture the daylights out of someone’s sensitive bits. But a Top or Dom does not describe who I am. I like breaking the mold, I like being on this journey, like trying to figure things out.
Do you think BDSM is a sexual “orientation,” or is it more a lifestyle “choice?”
I consider it a lifestyle choice, at least for me. It’s the choice I am making for myself. I prefer a culture of explicitness and negotiation, it’s what works best for me. But it’s not as if I couldn’t live without it.
Do you think your relationships benefit by including a BDSM element?
For sure, just through more open communication and negotiation if nothing else. It takes a lot of the stress of guesswork out of relationships.
How closely are BDSM and sex related for you? Does one usually go with the other, or is it two separate things in your mind?
I’ve seen two schools of thought when it comes to BDSM and sex. The first says that BDSM is about the enjoyment of the kink itself and sex should generally remain separate. The other says the only way to make sex interesting is to combine the two. Myself, I don’t normally incorporate BDSM and sex due to exponentially increasing the risk factor involved in play, (the nature of the play multiplied by each of type of bodily fluid of each of the participants). There are a lot of kink toys that cannot be 100% sterilized between uses due the materials they are made with, and so for safety reasons, I tend to keep the two separate. However, if the scene I am doing has an inherently sexual nature to it, such as genital torture or large / unusual insertions, then I’m more comfortable with it.
What are your thoughts on public play versus private play?
Both forms of play have their pros and cons. Would I say I prefer or recommend one over the other? Absolutely not, because it all depends on what someone is specifically looking for in that moment.
I like public play because there are dungeon monitors watching the play space to ensure that everyone has a good time. Public play helps you gain experience with a kink or allows you to try playing with a new partner for the first time. It is also great to simply watch a scene from a respectful distance. That being said, in public settings there is a greater chance people will interrupt scenes or otherwise cross boundaries and impose themselves on others in a nonconsensual manner.
Kink in a private setting is probably not as “safe” because there is more risk of abuse without other eyes watching. Private play requires a lot more vulnerability and trust, especially if you are trying out kinks for the first time, or discovering kinks you didn’t know you had. If someone were to go ahead and show me their dungeon or toys after only one or two dates, I would be hesitant to indulge that quickly. That being said, if I am in an established dynamic or relationship with someone and we both know that we are using positive intentions with our play, then private play can be a very beautiful and intimate time. I am not currently in a relationship now, but I am grateful for the experiences I had with my past partners where we were able to learn and explore together.
Are you “out” as a kinkster to your family and friends?
No, I keep my life very compartmentalized. I am not ashamed of being kinky, but due to the nature of my profession, and the way my family feels about such things, I don’t feel like I can be open about my preferences. Plus, there is a very real threat from religious and political conservatives. I have seen a lot of persecution of LBGTQ people, and kink-shaming seems to be alive and well. I just don’t want to have to pay a price for what I do in private.
But I do think advocacy of BDSM lifestyles could be important, the more people who feel free to say they are involved in kink will help to reduce the stigma.
What do you think about the potential for abuse in BDSM?
I know it exists, I’ve personally seen it. But I don’t think it’s a greater danger in the BDSM world than any other area in which someone with authority takes advantage. Whether it is a clergyman, or an educator, or a politician or any kind of boss, someone with power can abuse it and otherwise engage in shitty behavior. Plenty of abuse happens in the vanilla world, too. At least in BDSM everyone is encouraged to be open, to communicate and negotiate, which might actually lessen the risk of abuse.
How about the feminist argument that a woman should not surrender her power or make herself a sexual “object” to a man (as happens in power exchange dynamics)?
The thing about BDSM is that it removes gender from the equation. BDSM doesn’t care if the woman is at the top or bottom of the power exchange. At the same time, BDSM gives each role its own lever of power to control – the bottom controls the what, while the top controls the how. Either way, the communication and negotiation required to engage in any kind of BDSM play puts each person in the driver’s seat of their own experience. So, I’d say that BDSM is actually empowering to women rather than disempowering, because it encourages them to voice what they want and allows them to choose for themselves.
What do you think are the biggest misunderstandings about BDSM?
That only twisted or messed up people engage in it. Or that it’s abusive. Neither are true. Yeah, it can look dangerous or a little weird from the outside, but from the inside, there is a lot of creativity, a lot of adventure. The world is a beautiful, shiny, intriguing place to play in, why limit yourself to the same old ways of self-expression?
What challenges have you faced in integrating BDSM into your life?
A few things we’ve already talked about, like feeling I have to be in the closet about it. I want to break the mold, but it’s not always easy to break through other people’s misconceptions and assumptions about me, and not just in my vanilla life, but also in the BDSM community. Sometimes I feel like I am a character in other people’s lives. Because of survival mechanisms I learned as a child, I tend to modify who I am to meet other’s expectations of me. I believe BDSM helps me to become more authentic, helps me reveal more of myself to others, but it remains a challenge for me, and I don’t know that anyone will ever fully know all of me.
What advice would you give someone new to BDSM?
First, you can’t go wrong with being too well-read on the subject, or asking too many questions. Just remember that no one has the “one true way,” there is no one right way to do it. You do need to forge your own path. But it’s not too hard when there is so much to kink that you can explore. Seven years into my journey, I am still discovering new things I like that I never would have guessed. So go ahead, experiment, get into mischief, have fun!
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