When subs Cry

A Dom/sub conversation about subby tears with the most traditional Dom I know …

the sub:

When it comes to BDSM play such as impact, I have enjoyed a decent pain tolerance, at least if there’s enough of a gradual build for my brain to release all those lovely endorphins that help me along. Once I am taken to the point where pain feels like pleasure, I fall into the most peaceful trance (subspace), and go very still and quiet. But if the build is too fast, and I can’t keep up, then I will struggle and might even burst into tears. I once played with a Domme who came at me fast and hard and when I cried, instead of slowing down as I expected, she said, “Your tears are beautiful to me,” and just kept going. I felt confused at her pleasure over what I thought was an obvious sign of struggle from me. However, since then, I have heard a number of Doms brag about making their submissives cry, and one self-proclaimed sadist who said he didn’t feel satisfied unless he made his bottom cry. I’ve also heard submissives say they crave the catharsis of tears from a heavy beating.

So what do you make of tears? Is it gratifying to you to see your subs cry?

the Dom:

You would think as a sadistic Dom it would be something I would enjoy, and yet I’ve only ever made a few subs cry, and only once was it something I considered to be gratifying for me.

I remember one sub crying over the phone as I verbally upbraided her, a relatively new sub, for being disrespectful. Another cried after a debauched hotel weekend spent playing hard for our first in-person meeting and she was sad to be parting company. A few subs have cried as a result of ending our D/s relationship. These are not the kinds of tears most people enjoy.

The one time I did enjoy a sub’s tears was the result of a direct request for a heavy beating. This sub was exceptionally masochistic and brought a big thick solid wood ping pong paddle she asked me to use on her ass. I had spanked and slapped and caned and bit and pinched and twisted her naughty bits before, but this was different. She said she needed a good cry as cathartic relief.

She started off bratty and dared me to break her and make her cry with snide taunting: “Is that as hard as you can hit, Master?” When the tears finally started, her ass was such a bright pink it seemed to light up the room. My first Domly instinct was to go into aftercare mode and comfort her, but she didn’t want that. She smiled though her tears and said how great the beating was. So there was clearly some catharsis and relief happening for her, and I was a little surprised how easily I got into the scene after it started, how I worked to make the tears start flowing, and how gratifying it was when they did. Afterward, we played for a while, and I was more intense with her than normal, causing her to say, “I should ask you beat me to tears more often, Master.”

But overall, I don’t really see the appeal. I could get through life fine if it never happened again.

the sub: 

Interesting. Yes, I am surprised that a sadist like you doesn’t find subby tears appealing. So then what sounds let you know that you are truly torturing your submissive, I wonder?

Of course, I know there are good tears and bad tears, and I like the catharsis of a “good” cry myself, but I prefer it to happen on its own merits. Or perhaps in a movie theater. I like my beatings to transport me to a serene place, not a jangled one. Crying during a beating is a signal, from me at least, that I am overstimulated, overwhelmed and not handling it well. But, as in most things, I know it is very individual.

I have seen many a submissive post on BDSM message boards that they crave the “emotional release” of being beaten to tears. Many of those sentiments come from subs who say they have a hard time crying without some catalyst to push them into it. Or, they don’t know how to let themselves be vulnerable enough with someone to cry without a show of physical force to break them down. In that case, I can see how crying from the pain of impact could be experienced as “beautiful.” But me, I cry plenty easy on my own, don’t need to be whacked to get there.  

I am still pretty curious why some Doms find it so appealing. I’m sure there’s probably a taboo element that makes most BDSM things appealing; you’re not supposed to make people cry, and that in itself could make it exciting. But it must be a power thing, too, right? To make a sub cry makes a Dom feel powerful? I have never topped someone to the point of tears, so I have no personal experience. You found it gratifying at least once.

the Dom:

I did surprisingly find it gratifying that one time it happened, but in retrospect not gratifying enough to put it in the rotation of “Things I enjoy doing to the girl.”

The sounds that let me know I’m torturing the submissive properly? Moans and groans, and the occasional delightful incoherent babbling from subspace. I rely less on sound and more on body language, although I pay attention to both. I am very tactile when playing, and watch the sub’s movements, twitching, the sudden tensing of her shoulders, ass, or thighs, the curling of her toes, the way the sound comes from deep in her throat on first impact, then smooths out as the pain races through her body making the endorphins fire in her brain, and the resulting pleasure makes her draw a deep breath, softly moan as she exhales and shivers. I feed off her reactions to modulate the intensity. I enjoy hearing “More, please” and “Harder, please” whispered. I listen for that. As a sadist, I find that far more gratifying than tears — I enjoy hurting her, and she wants more. Unless asked for and I agree, making her cry is not the objective for me.

And yes, any kind of D/s play between Dom and sub is a power thing. But once power exchange is established, I see no need to continually reinforce it by beatings that elicit tears. Unless, of course, that is part of the negotiation to which a couple agrees, in which case have at it. What makes me feel powerful is looking at a naked handcuffed and blindfolded sub on a bed in a cool dark room, head down and ass up, lying there quietly waiting for whatever happens next and me thinking, “What kinds of marks would I like to leave on her today?”

the sub:

Well yes, just about everyone in the community seems to celebrate marks and bruises; sometimes I think there must be a secret rule that says no scene is complete until the marks have been shown off on Fet Life. Maybe there should be an option to post sound recordings too, because I have to say, Robert, your description of sounds you like eliciting from a sub actually turned me on. I imagine that’s how I sound when I am getting off on the pain being delivered to me. Although, like I said, when I am most into it, I actually become still and quiet.

So it seems neither of us are into the crying thing, but I don’t want to discount it for those who do enjoy tears with their play. I can see how a submissive might find gratification in being able be so vulnerable with his/her Dom. I’ve read a number of submissive comments about the feeling of intimacy it engenders to be held through a good cry. They will say things like, “I have never seen my Dom so caring.”

Likewise, I’ve read several Dominant comments about how they want to break down a sub in order to build her back up. Others will say they love “the intensity” of a scene in which the submissive breaks into sobs, and the resulting feeling of emotional connection. I crave to drop down into places of emotional intensity myself, and I love how BDSM is such a good vehicle for that.

Speaking of intensity, I just realized there actually is a time I “good” cry during scenes, and that’s after a particularly intense orgasm. Pain that I can ride into subspace usually won’t make me cry, but a strong toe-curling orgasm after a ton of stimulation is almost certain to make me burst into tears. The sobs almost feel like a reflex my body does on its own, something like a sneeze. But soon the sobs become tears of gratitude for the wickedly effective attentions of my Dom, and I normally cling to him and get his neck all wet. I think in those moments I do enjoy my tears, as does my darling Daddy; they really do engender a feeling of intense emotional connection.

the Dom:

Although I do enjoy leaving marks and receiving pictures of their progress the next day, and also enjoy taking pictures, I’m not one for sharing them anywhere (I keep them locked on a computer drive protected by a ridiculously complex password.) If the sub wants to post them on Fet or elsewhere, that’s her business. I will never do so.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a sub cry after an intense orgasm. Subs in general seem to be energized after an orgasm (or five), whereas Doms over 40 want a snack and then a nap. My favorite post orgasm reaction from a newer sub is when I make her squirt for the first time and, once she calms down, says, “What the fuck was that??” followed by, “Well, that can come off my bucket list.” That’s far more satisfying to me than tears!