Live-together D/s or Live-Apart D/s? Pros and Cons

A conversation about cohabitation in power exchange with the most traditional Dominant I know …

the sub:

I discovered D/s with my husband two weeks into our marriage. It was such an intense rush of discovery that we talked about it incessantly, experimented wildly, and fell so hard in love with each other in these new roles that I simply couldn’t imagine how a D/s relationship could possibly satisfy without living under the same roof. How could one possibly have real control over the other, or surrender to the other, from occasional get-togethers? Then I met you, Father Robert, and you said not only have you never lived with one of your submissives but that you wouldn’t want to. I want to know why? Why wouldn’t you want to? What advantages do you as a Dominant see from not living in the same house with your submissive?

the Dom:

As has been the case for a while, my thoughts on this and other D/s and BDSM subjects evolve and/or mutate in often haphazard ways, and I might reconsider things if, for example, Michelle Pfeifer dropped me a nude and a note asking to be my sub.

If you discover D/s when you are already living together, there already exists a fundamental trust with each other. Segueing from that into D/s once you both opened and succumbed to Pandora’s Box of Kink is quite natural. More often, though, kinksters meet at a munch, or online, or at a dungeon. They will probably warily dance around each other, pretending to be sane, until they achieve some level of comfort with their respective roles and the sub can feel sufficiently safe to surrender to the Dom’s will. Sure, this can eventually lead to domestic arrangements that entail living together, perhaps even marriage, but I suggest this is not necessarily the norm. Nor did I ever find it to be a desirable outcome for me.

the sub: 

You say cohabitating partners are “not the norm” in BDSM, when I would have thought the opposite. So many of the people I meet at munches and play parties are partnered up, so I had the impression the majority of kinksters were in longtime intimate relationships. I wonder at the real representation. Maybe we are each projecting our own individual experiences onto the collective?

Another statistic I don’t know is how long unpartnered kinky people must do that wary dance with others until they find a partner they really click with. I would imagine it’s not an easy search, one that requires much patience and is full of false starts and dashed hopes. If I suddenly found myself single and looking around expectantly at a munch, I can only imagine the waves of anxiety I would endure.

Then again, it’s probably also challenging to realize you are kinky if you are married to a staunchly vanilla spouse, or even someone with very different ideas of what constitutes kink. How common could it be that two married people’s kinky desires align perfectly? My husband and I were lucky to develop our tastes and kinks together, but we still stumble on surprising differences at times. So, there is probably no foolproof path to a satisfying D/s relationship.

Still, I wonder why you say that being married to your sub is not a “desirable outcome.” Wouldn’t it make kinky fun easier to access? Is there something sexy to you about keeping a sub at arm’s length? Does it make you as a Dom more mysterious and therefore more powerful? Or is it simply that giving a sub constant attention would be too exhausting?

the Dom:

It could be we are projecting our own experiences onto BDSM Land. You have far more experience being kinky-social than I have, so I defer to your evaluation of there being more couples than singles. But yes, in my personal observation, being a serious, responsible, full-time loving caring kinky supportive Dom is fucking exhausting for even a week or two.

Not that I can’t see the appeal of having a live-in sub, at least for a while, especially if she was a true submissive and not someone sub-lite who just wanted to be taken care of full-time. When I was younger, I wanted to try a Master/slave relationship but never explored it because I concluded that for me, such an arrangement could not last long term. And that’s the key for me — long-term kinky cohabitation takes a shit-ton of work because vanilla life and the resultant never-ending to-do list is always tugging at your sleeve or more often smacking you upside the head (and not in that good way). Long term familiarity breeds ennui and dampens desire. I can’t shower and shift into Domly Dom Mode having just spent an hour with the sub looking for ticks on the dog or mopping up the mess from the leaky dishwasher. That day-to-day bullshit breeds not necessarily contempt, but it does veer toward boredom after a while.

When I engage in BDSM, I want the rest of the world to go the fuck away. I don’t like practical considerations intruding in my kink. I want everyone’s attention in the room focused on the here and now. I enjoy the building anticipation of seeing the other person, planning for what will take place, then catching my breath as I walk through the hotel room door into a softly-lit isolated world. I like to see my submissive naked on the bed, blindfolded and in supplicant mode, head down, ass up, and then to hear her breathlessly say “I’m ready to serve you in any way you please, Sir.”

While having a sub readily accessible for general free use and kinky fun would be fantastic for a while — and I admit I fantasize about it — I would eventually grow restless, I think. It’s easy to be in love and lust for eight or ten hours a week, far more difficult to maintain that full time over the course of years. 

Cue that very old joke about the couple fucking in missionary; the wife moans, the husband asks if she’s having a good time and the wife says, “The ceiling needs painting.”

the sub:

You make me laugh. And I did find myself nodding along with what you are saying; first, because for several years I was submissive to Dominants that I didn’t live with, and the power exchange did feel very “pure” then, and intensely exciting, at least in those short bursts. Long before that, in my first sorta-kinda D/s relationship, my live-in boyfriend submitted to me, but that relationship didn’t last more than a year in part because of the very things you mentioned. In that case, familiarity did breed ennui and killed my desire.

Even today, married and in a D/s relationship for more than eleven years, my darling husband and I can find it challenging to keep our husband-wife relationship from undermining our power exchange. As his submissive, something like a leaky dishwasher could and did breed bickering that instantly broke the spell of surrender for me. And I do admit that if one of us is experiencing a health challenge, that will sweep D/s out from us for months at a time, something which deeply dismays us as power exchange features so strongly in our identity as a couple.

However, we like to think we have learned to roll with the rhythm of life’s ups and downs. More importantly, we have discovered that we can trust the dynamic to come back to life. It remains our “natural” way of relating and, to our great surprise, it seems not to depend on who is taking the Dominant role and who is kneeling in submission. The polarity of power exchange stirs our lust for each other either way. In fact, I would say that our ability to switch roles and keep discovering different aspects of wielding and surrendering control over each other is probably why our D/s, (and perhaps even our marriage) has remained so reliable, so robust. While we may get bored by the question of what to make for dinner or to watch on TV, we NEVER get bored with our sex life. We have learned each other’s sexual minds and bodies so well that we know exactly what gets each other’s sexual motors running.

Plus, there are always new kinks to experiment with, new sadomasochistic games to play, and occasionally a wicked “other” to add in for a night of BDSM group fun. And, of course, there are the toys! There are always new toys and instruments of torture to try out, and, as we learned this past weekend while cleaning out the garage together (how mundane, right?), even a box of old forgotten BDSM toys and gadgets can offer new excitement all over again.

the Dom:

I see your point and understand why you find your married brand of kink appealing. There are many advantages if both people are in agreement with most of the kinky activities, especially if, as you said, both are OK with adding a third (or fourth) or are good with playing publicly at a party or dungeon. Done well, that brings couples closer (I’ve been told). But as good as it can be, it is never totally stress and conflict (and dare I say jealousy) free.

I find it difficult to imagine finding someone suitable-to-me who meshed well with my kinky and vanilla life, along with my intellect and deranged sense of humor, to whom I would like to commit long-term in that way. I don’t believe it’s all that common. You are part of the longest lasting couple I know.

Although, I do recall visiting a dungeon one evening (solo, just browsing) and a much older couple who looked to be nearly 80 came in with a roll-around carryon suitcase full of toys. The sub undressed and lay on the table. Her partner tied her down and I watched as he punished every part of her then turned her over and did it some more. She moaned and writhed and had several orgasms with him fisting her for the grand finale. I almost applauded before I caught myself. When they were done, he untied her and gave her loving aftercare. She then got dressed and cleaned up the toys and the table while he watched and they left. 

I asked one of the regulars who they were, and he said “Oh, that’s Lucy and Ricky. They come in once a week to play, have for years and, before this place opened, they did so at another dungeon. They’ve been like that for at least thirty years. They come here because her pain-in-the-ass 98-year-old mother lives with them.” 

Ultimately, I suspect that their marriage, and yours, are outliers in terms of longevity when compared to most kinky couples. My impression is that most long-term live-in D/s relationships, like many live-in vanilla relationships, tend to wither from neglect, boredom, taking things for granted, or the 101 little indignities couples knowingly and unknowingly foist off on each other.

So, I am going to stand by my desire to live apart from my submissive. To quote a married woman I have played with from time to time, “You have the magic power of being not-my-husband … It is easier to surrender to you rapidly and dizzyingly for an evening, just as you said.”  

Why on earth would I want to give up that magic power that ensures a sub greets me shivering with lust and desire, wet and moaning at my touch, and the incredible rush it brings as if each time were the first time?