When we enter a power exchange relationship for the first time, we have a lot of mental reprogramming to do to create a path for ourselves away from the societal rules most of learned about equality between partners. It is not all that easy to drop our cultural conditional conditioning toward parity. Both Dominant and submissive will need to be “trained” out of their old way of thinking toward a new way of relating to each other. Ideally, Dom and sub will collaborate on reprogramming (a.k.a. brainwashing) each other’s minds into alignment with their own specific D/s role. A number of BDSM training manuals aim to help with that task.
Most of these manuals will suggest tools based on “operant conditioning.” This kind of programming attempts to motivate behavior change through the delivering of consequences for behavior, whether punishment or reward. Submissive fails to obey a command and is punished with ten lashes of a flogger; submissive follows the rules and is rewarded with an orgasm. This kind of conditioning helps us start the ungrounding process that breaks down an equality mindset and rebuilds it for power exchange.
Rewards and punishments are the tasty meat-and-potatoes of the Dom-trains-sub process, and where most of the kinky fun of BDSM is to be had. Rewards and punishments also form the foundation of whatever rituals, rules and protocols a D/s couple might choose to express to fortify their dynamic. However, when it comes to winning control of a sub’s mind, operant conditioning is a blunt instrument that doesn’t always deliver. Just because a Dom can compel behavior out of fear of pain or desire for pleasure doesn’t mean the Dom has won the sub’s genuine compulsion to please and obey.
For a genuine transfer of power, a D/s couple needs an additional set of reprogramming tools, unique to BDSM: a combination of “classical conditioning”—a trained response that is paired with a specific stimulus— along with good, old-fashioned kinky brainwashing. Here are a few basics of conditioning that set the foundation for everything else.
Conditioning Basics
Fake it ‘Til You Make It — Ask anyone who has been indulging in power exchange for awhile, chances are they are going to say they started with roleplay. They were feeling adventurous in the bedroom and decided to try on the role of Top or bottom, Dom or sub, maybe for an hour or two. It almost certainly felt like a game at first, a fun thing to play at. While something about it may have created such excitement that it might have felt like coming home, almost no one feels like a “real” Dom or sub, not at first. Yet, by acting “as if” one is a Dom or sub, again and again, day after day, it starts to feel more natural. After awhile, it no longer feels like a game one plays at, but a genuine way of being exactly who one is. Fake it ‘til you make it works so well because of:
Repetition — Long before neuroplasticity became recognized by neuroscience, we humans had figured out that our minds learn by repeating an action until it becomes second nature. We now know this is because the brain’s neurons like to fuse together to create pathways that make it easier to automate thoughts and behavior. The most famous example is that of Pavlov’s dog, in which the scientist Ivan Pavlov repeatedly rang a bell (some versions say it was the sound of a metronome) when he gave his dog food, which eventually led his dog to salivate at the sound of the bell alone. A Dom can do the same for a sub by, say, not starting any kind of BDSM play without first putting a collar on the sub. It will not be long before the feel of a collar around the sub’s neck will inspire feelings of submission, and maybe even arousal as well. Repeating the actions and rituals of BDSM again and again literally sears them into our brains until they become second nature, unfolding without thought.
The Power of Suggestion — In my years as a submissive, I would say the most effective ‘training’ my Dom gave me was what we called Daddy Talk. As he toyed with my body, he would keep up a steady stream of low talk that sounded something like, “You are such a good girl the way you obey your Daddy; you love to do what I tell you.” Or, “You belong to me, I’m the only one who knows what you need.” On the surface, it sounded like he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear, but it was more akin to introducing hypnotic suggestions while I lay in a trance of pleasure. The words he spoke while I was in that relaxed state came to feel like gospel truth to me. It also worked in reverse and, as I serviced him sexually, I would tell him how thoroughly I felt owned by him. In this way, we steadily “brainwashed” each other and continually reinforced our dynamic.
Indeed, the power of suggestion can be used to rewire the mind toward D/s in all kinds of ways. Psychologists tell us that “painting a mental picture” of what success looks like through visualizations and repeated affirmations can help your mind align with the new reality you are trying to create. Once the seed is well-planted, the brain then directs you to behave accordingly. You can take advantage of this feature of your brain by leaning into the fantasies that spurred your desire for power exchange in the first place. Keep those shared fantasies at the forefront of your mind and talk about them often to your Dom or sub, embellishing them with images, thoughts and feelings to paint a detailed picture of how your ideal version of D/s looks to you.
Triggers (submissive Version)
I knew how a submissive trigger felt long before I came across the phrase on the internet. I knew being on my knees in front of my Dom made me feel surrendered to him. I knew his hand grabbing me by the throat did it. I knew him putting me over his lap did it, or pulling my hair did it, or grabbing me by the wrist and pulling me along like a child did it. Having him shove my head down against the bed while he used me really did it. Each trigger felt like it tripped some primal switch in me that gave me a visceral wave of relief and letting go. My mind would sink into a state of calm and I’d feel a wave of awe for my Dominant that compelled me to do whatever he wanted me to do.
Submissive triggers automatically put one in a headspace that I usually describe as a submissive mindset. Such a mindset is not “subspace,” the hypnotic trance created by endorphins and other chemicals that flood the brain in response to the steady application of pain. Subspace is deeper, more intense, but more challenging to create. It is also fairly brief and when it wears off, it can sometimes leave behind a post-high “subdrop,” much like a hangover.
The submissive mindset, however, can last a long while, and even become consistent when cultivated day after day. It is also easier to create and there’s no hangover. All it takes is the right triggers, which seem to work through some hidden, symbolic levers in the subconscious mind. Indeed, the first few times I feel a new trigger work on me, it delights me the way a good magic trick does.
Being sub-triggered often makes me think of a nature video I once saw of mating lions, where the male bit down on the back of the female’s neck as he mounted her. The female became docile and looked almost hypnotized as she was held in her mate’s teeth and penetrated from behind. After seeing that, I was convinced there must be an evolutionary Domination/submission mechanism within the more primal part of our brains that ensured our female ancestors would allow males to mate with them, no matter their particular mood. Once, out of curiosity, I typed ‘submissive trigger’ and ‘evolution’ and ‘sex’ into a search engine and came up with a scientific paper called, “The evolutional background of dominance/submissivity in sex and bondage.” It was based on a study of over 317 adults, and as the authors of the paper wrote:
“We theorize that sexual arousal by dominance and submission may be connected to a reproduction strategy respecting a social dominance rank, while the preference for bondage may be derived from an opportunistic strategy when being unable to compete for hierarchic rank… From the evolutionary biology point of view, these patterns of sadomasochistic sex appear as adaptive rather than as pathology.”
Discovering that paper pleased me greatly, made me feel like my hunger for my husband’s dominance of me was a matter of course; I was merely following a path laid down for me by evolution. The ease with which he could trigger my sexual submission was not a magic trick after all, but a biologic inevitability. I then did another internet search for more submissive triggers, wondering what else might work on me, and found recommendations on debasing verbal triggers. One Dom explained:
“Word phrases such as “You’re my slut”, “Who’s my whore?”, “Who owns this ass?”, and “Suck my cock, whore,” all have power sexual messages of ownership and control when said in the proper context … These are powerful psychological hot buttons, and sexual arousal triggers that can place a woman instantly into a slutty, submissive mindset. Knowing which phrases specifically arouse a submissive psychologically is key to pushing a sub to the next level of arousal during a session.”
When I read that, early in my D/s journey, I couldn’t see myself responding with arousal, let alone submission, to being called a whore or a slut. Why would I want to be insulted for being sexual? I was more into the pampered babygirl vibe, a girl who liked to be controlled, yes, but also praised for being sexual, for being a “good girl” who pleased her Daddy. Eventually, I stopped searching for other people’s triggers and contented myself with discovering my own. It wasn’t difficult.
In those early days, my Daddy Dom and I would stumble upon my triggers often. Him making a “come here” gesture with two fingers, oh swoon. Having my mouth forced wide open by his tongue, or by a gag — hugely effective at making me pliant. Him holding me by the back of the neck as he marched me just a little too fast before him, my god, yes. Physically pushing me off balance in any way, I melt. An unexpected slap across the face, say, in a parking lot; happy docile me. Even years later, we still occasionally stumble on new triggers. And, lo and behold, I learned that being called a slut can be a pretty awesome submissive trigger after all.
Clearly, it’s important for the submissive to let the Dom know what actions work on his/her own particular mind-body to trigger feelings of surrender. But this begs the question, is there anything a sub can do to trigger the Dom into feeling more like dominating? Indeed, there are a number, as we will see in the next post:
See BDSM Tools for Rewiring Your Mind Toward D/s — Part Two
