When Dominant and submissive work together to reprogram their brains toward a power exchange dynamic, there are a number of tools available to them, from operant conditioning to classical conditioning, along with different types of voluntary “brainwashing.” Still another way to rewire the mind is through the purposeful use of mental triggers that work like an automatic switch in the subconscious that pull us into state that either pull us toward domination or surrender. Submissive triggers are plentiful, straightforward and relatively easy to discover; receiving a smack on the bottom is going to make just about anyone feel subby (See Part One). Triggers for domination are usually a little more subtle.
Dominant Triggers
As a submissive, the ways of the Dominant mind were mysterious to me, and I was uncertain what might put my darling Daddy Dom in the mood to dominate me. I did gather that my most overtly submissive behavior, especially if unprompted, could flip his switch toward taking control. Kneeling is, of course, the universal gesture of surrender, and looking down at someone kneeling before them is likely to inspire feelings of domination in most people. That is why I liked to make sure I was kneeling in wait when my Dom came through the door after work to put him in a dominating frame of mind. I also knew that by saying, “Yes, Daddy” in a certain agreeable voice, whether in response to an overt command or not, was likely to put him in that mindset. But other than that, I really didn’t how I could help nudge him into a Dominant mindset.
Yet, over time, as both submissive and as a Dominant myself, I came to know other triggers that help the Dom move into a controlling headspace, and more importantly, to reliably stay in it. Kneeling works nicely but kneeling while kissing the Dom’s feet works even better. A sub’s word choice and being deferential in speech, or asking permission to do certain things, is nicely Dom-triggering. Female Doms often report that a man who acts shy and flustered around her will rev up her desire to dominate. I know certain Doms of any gender will catch fire when treated to some begging for their favorite sexual pleasure. As in, “Please, Sir, may I suck on your cock?” Likewise, a sub’s whimper of pain while being tortured in kinky ways can make a Dom literally growl with a suffusion of power.
Showing oneself to be physically available to the Dom is a compelling signal to the Dom to slip into domination mode. As one Reddit poster on BDSM community board put it, “The Dom state, when I’m triggered, I call it ‘baring my teeth.’ I feel it when a sub ‘bares her throat’ to me. That can mean many things, being exposed and vulnerable to me in many ways, physically and emotionally. Showing me in act or word an acceptance of the fact that she is mine. Not only accepting my domination but embracing it.”
In my own D/s relationship, my Dom and I agreed that the sub’s “availability for use” was a vital piece of our dynamic, so he would often have me splay for him on the couch while we watched TV. I would take off everything below the waist and lie with my legs open in case he wanted to reach over and toy with me. It was a visceral way of demonstrating I belonged to him, and being exposed like that, whether he toyed with me or not, thrilled me no end. Today, when we switch roles (as we seem to do every few months), I also like to have him splay on the couch for me, and, as he lies there and passively takes my torture, I feel surges of dominant energy that surprise me with their intensity.
But perhaps the best way a sub can help a Dom stay in Dom space is by not knocking him/her out of it in the first place. It is challenging for a Dom to go against our cultural conditioning for equal power and take on authority over the sub, and then to continually maintain faith that his/her partner is truly “into it.” For me, when I was first trying to cultivate a Dominant mindset, if my sub routinely forgot to obey a rule or otherwise acted as if my commands were not that important, my confidence would crumble and I’d wonder, Do I just suck at this, or is my sub not enjoying this arrangement? Once confidence is lost in that way, it’s not so easy to get back. A sub’s use of language is also very important maintaining the dynamic; it should go without saying that speaking deferentially to one’s Dom is mandatory. But overall, anything a sub can do to root out their habits of independence, and instead surrender personal power to the Dom, will help ensure that the Dom doesn’t question their role and their ability to inhabit it fully.
Community Mirroring
While most D/s takes place in the privacy of one’s relationship, there is something about joining a BDSM community and introducing oneself as a Dom or a sub that makes the role objectively more “real.” In psychology, the study of brainwashing is understood to belong to the sphere of “social influence.” Whenever we are around others in a community to which we aspire to belong, the influence of others is a steady force with great power to change our attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. We cannot help but take our cues from the group about who we are and how we are supposed to act within our particular role.
My Daddy Dom and I had been in a D/s relationship for four years, exploring it on our own, delighting in it, thrilling to it. Yet, because it was mostly in the bedroom only, power exchange never felt like a complete transformation to me; I felt like a butterfly still half-trapped in its cocoon. Then we joined a BDSM community. There I met other submissives who not only validated my own longings but showed me new ways to express my submission. More importantly, our D/s dynamic was no longer taking place in our own little private fantasy world but was being publicly recognized, affirmed and reflected back to us as a legitimate choice, even a noble choice. Within only a month or two of joining the community, making friends and taking classes, we decided to take our D/s outside the bedroom. Within another six months, our community surrounded us and supported us as my Daddy Dom settled a collar around my neck in a beautiful and meaningful collaring ceremony.
It was only in the mirror of community that I recognized myself as a “true” submissive, and my husband was able to wholly embrace his role as a Dom. Human beings are social creatures, our survival literally dependent on being accepted into the group. It is our reflection in the eyes of others that most convinces us who we are. If you want to think like Dom and sub, one of the most effective things you can do is go hang out with other Doms and subs. You’ll not only do your D/s dynamic a favor, but there is no more laughing fun you can have than spending time with other kinksters.
